Andy Warhol said each American would have fifteen minutes of fame in their lifetime. Well this ain’t no fifteen minutes but it is a chance for some regular joe to receive the star treatment and be subtly interviewed for you, our loyal Mad Swirl readers! While playing the “Tubs ‘o’ Fun” game at the State Fair I had the frustration of losing five bucks yet had the privilege of talking to a real living and breathing carney, one on one, mano a mano if you will...

Carney: Hey! Chief! Step right up here and win your gal a fine souv-in-air from the State Fair!
Me: Hmmm, that over-sized Sponge Bob Square Pants would look good in my game room. What’s the catch?
Carney: Catch? Ha! No catch champ. Tubs’o’Fun is all about the winning! Five smackaroos gets you three balls and all you have to do is land all three balls in that there basket. and you my friend are a winner. Sound like a plan m’man?
Me: Sure seems too good to be true, you sure this isn’t rigged?
Carney: Whoa, hold on there chief. “Tubs ‘o’ Fun” is NOT a “rigged” (he even makes finger quotes in the air) game. I barely make any money on this because I have so many winners. Look how easy it is. (he repeatedly lands the hard softball square in the wicker basket)
Me: Alright, I’m convinced. Here’s five smackeroos.
(He places the three hard “soft” balls on the mat and with a slimy smirk says...)
Carney: Good luck slick.

Trying to act like the Tubs’o’Fun expert that I’m obviously not, I toss the ball up and down in my hand, you know, to judge the weight so I can determine the velocity that will be required to land this here ball in that there basket’s sweetspot. I swing my arm back...

Me: So how long have you been doing this?
Carney: What? Working the circuit?

To not look stupid, I nod my head knowingly and assume that that’s what carney’s call carnivalling.

Carney: I’ve been doing this since I was 16. I hadda wait until I could quit school before my parents would let me get the fuck out of there. Par-done my France.
Me: Not a problem monsieur.

I let the first ball go and it lands perfectly square in the basket.

Carney: See, what did I tell ya’ champ! Easy as pie! Yep, this job is my dream job. The hot chicks, the food, the slutty chicks, the rides, the old chicks, the parties...oh, and did I mention the young chicks? Hahahaha.

A chill runs up my spine. I push thru the awkwardness and take aim for my second shot...

Me: Sounds like you’re quite the ladies man? Not one of those settle down types?
Carney: Oh I’m quite married. (he holds up his left ring finger) But as they say on those Las Vegas ads, what happens on the circuit stays on the circuit. Hahahaha. She’s got the kids to keep her eye on back home.

I let the second ball go and again it lands perfectly square in the basket.

Carney: Wow! One more stud and you’re a winner. Are you sure you’re not a shark?
Me: Maybe I am. What do you do with cheats?
Carney: Oh boy. We’ve had us a tangle with some locals who tried to cheat us up in Wich’ta Falls last summer. Let’s just say there wasn’t enough evidence to convict. I’d tell you more but it’s a violation of the Code.
Me: The Carney Code?
Carney: Yessir Mr. John Q. Public, the Carney Code. Now why don’t you aim that there ball in that there basket and lets see if we have us a winner...or maybe we have us a cheat.

With a gulp I take aim, swing my arm back and purposely miss and go wide to the left.

Carney: Aww, too bad Champ. Looks like you weren’t a cheat after all. I hope it was five smackeroos well spent.
Me: It sure was. The best five smackeroos I’ve ever spent.

And boy was it!