...the walls begin to melt?

...the big bad wolf blows down your house?

...the cops search your anus without a search warrent?

...you’re sliding into first and your pants about to burst?

...your crack-addicted mother breaks into your house and steals your TV? Doesn’t she know there’s easier ways to make money?

...those innocent lil’ snaposhots of you torturing Iraqi prisoners gets leaked out to the press? Can’t they take a joke?

...your psycho neighbor will just NOT die?

...sticks and stones break your bones?

...your country doesn’t play well with others?

...your dog eats your stash and you have to sift thru his shit to get it back?

...that stray homeless guy follows you home?

...those voices...Yes, I will kill for you Satan.

...the man holds you down?

...you get abducted by aliens and DON’T get anal probed?

...when your best friend Frank’s mom kisses you at his graduation party? Sorry Frank.

...you spontaneously orgasm in the middle of the Sunday Mass?

...you get self-conscious about being self-conscious?

...your wife’s Latin lover, Juanito, leaves his used condom on the nightstand? The garbage is just a few feet away for Christ’s sake!

...you get three wishes and one of the wishes can’t be for three more wishes?

...your gimp escapes and then has the nerve to call the authorities?

...you are having sex with your girlfriend and the mortician walks in?

...you are on that damn bus that can’t go under 45 mph or it will blow up?

...you get caught pissing in the elevator?

...you cut yourself shaving? Boy oh boy do those nipples bleed.

...your wife and girlfriend fight. Don’t they know there’s enough man in you to go
around?

...you sell your soul to the devil and he doesn’t come through with his end of the bargain?

...you are buckass naked, butt up in the air and knees over your head, sucking yourself off and in walks Mom? Damn, and only a few licks before orgasm.

...a toenail gets caught in your throat?

...you’re served with restraining orders?

...your dog bites off the neighbor kid’s ear?

... old Mrs. Smith next door calls you over for help, then you find out all she wants is for you to pull out her tampon, again?

...your mom finds your bugger collection behind your headboard?

...you sneeze so hard you shit on yourself?

...you can’t stop poking holes in your leg with a fork?

...you get those week-long erections?

...God Almighty calls you on the phone in the middle of the night and tells you to go kill someone? Why can’t He wait until morning?

...Fido’s giving your leg a good humping and he shoots jism on your new jammies?