Here it is, like it or not, Your Lucky Stars by Jose Madre

Aries (March 21-April 19): You feeling blue? Feeling like no one likes you? Come on now, turn that frown upside down. Yes, it’s true, no one understands you. And yes, you are kinda of an ass but hey, someone’s gotta be one. Why not you?

Taurus (April 20-May 20): That car you suspected was following you? Well suspect no more. You ARE being followed. “They” are on to you and all your shenanigans. That’s right, I said shenanigans.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Why do I beat up on Gemini’s so much? What’s my problem? What’s MY problem?! What’s your problem!? You damned two-faced back-stabbing mother-fucking...Gemini...think you could bad mouth me.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Coincidence? I think not. Remember? That crazy thing that happened to you recently. You know, that thing that happened to you that seemed a strange coincidence. ‘Member? Weird, huh?

Leo (July 23-August 22): I see the number 7 in your future. Wait. there’s another number...here it comes...11! 7 and 11? 7/11! You like Slurpees®? I see a Slurpee in your future. Go for it Leo, go get that Slurpee!

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Don’t you hate Gemini’s Virgo? Don’t they just suck? Who needs Gemini’s anyway? I say we get rid of them all. That’s right, astro-locide! Wipe ‘em all out! What do you say Virgo? You know it will be fun...

Libra (September 23-October 23): The boss has been on your back lately, huh Libra? It seems you just can’t do anything right at work. I say go out in a flurry of insults and threats. The whole “work” thing is overrated anyway.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Ah, Madre’s favorite! Who’s the cutest lil' sign in the zodiac? You are Scorpio! And you would do anything for me wouldn’t you my precious Scorpio? You know what to do. Let’s be rid of those Gemini’s once and for all. Go and do my bidding.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): I got some good news for you Sagittarius! Wanna know what it is? I bet you do. What’s in it for me? Oh, I know what? Nothing. Nada. El- zilcho. Screw your good news.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): It’s OK, really. One homosexual experience does not make gay Capricorn. But come on, judging by the pictures, you really dug having that stuck up your ass.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Still feeling that itch deep inside of you that just can’t be reached? Is it divine inspiration? A spiritual calling? No, no, it’s none of that. It’s called herpes. Divinity does not come in the form of blisters on your genitals. Bonehead.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are always the last ‘scope I have to write and by the time I get to you I am tired and uninspired. I shot my psychic-wad, so to speak. Oh well, your loss not mine.