“But it was just leftovers and some Bud Lite. It’s not like I stole his car.”
“Stealing is stealing, John. Besides, it says here that you screwed her in his car, too.” The demon continued to read from his notebook. “Then there was the act of sexual intercourse itself.”
“What, is there a crime for being lousy in bed?”
“No, John. Though, on a side note, your neighbor’s wife did in fact think you were lousy in bed. Be that as it may, you screamed ‘Oh God’ in the act of lovemaking. Repeatedly.”
“I was enjoying myself.”
“And you were using the Lord’s name in vain.”
“But I’m a pagan. I don’t even believe in God.”
“Ah,” the demon said, slamming the notebook shut. “And there’s Commandments one, two, and five.” Before John could question these, the demon held up his clawed hand and said, “Commandment one, John, says you must believe in the existence of God. Two is that you shall have no other gods besides Him. And five is to honor your father and mother.”
“How did screwing my neighbor’s wife dishonor them?”
“Your father is a minister, John. You weren’t exactly honoring him.”
“The guy’s a jerk. And a cheating jerk at that.”
“Yes, John, we know. You’ll be seeing him soon enough, too. As a matter of fact, most everyone you know will be joining you down here, in time.” The demon laughed a sinister, evil laugh that sent a shiver of fear down John’s spine.
Just then, a crack of thunder rattled through the cavernous waiting area, and the smell of sulfur permeated the already wretched air.
“Yikes,” the demon said as he knelt to the ground.
“Yikes? Why yikes?” There was no response. The only sound was that of a clip-clop that was fast approaching.
In a heartbeat, if John still had one of those, he felt the odorous breath on his neck. He gulped and turned around; and there, standing directly behind him, was the most frightening sight he’d ever beheld – including his wife without makeup. It was, of course, Satan himself - from his jet-black, cloven hoofs up to the razor sharp horns that protruded from his molten-red scalp. Strangely, he was smiling, baring yellowed, dagger-like teeth from within his purple, pursed lips.
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